One Last Time

“Please, I would never ask you for anything again.” All I had been doing for last few hours was begging. Begging Varun to accompany me to somewhere he didn't want to and somewhere I shouldn't have.

I was about to meet him. After the last time, I screwed up, he had agreed to give me five of his minutes. Well even though I had been persistent as usual he stood strong on his ground ignoring my request. But now I would finally meet him. 

I thought maybe he would stop acting weird and finally everything between us would be normal. 

Maybe...such a venomous word it is. Giving hope all along to finally snatch the happiness within a blink of eyes.

“Varun, get your ass off that couch and get dressed. We’re leaving right now, right this moment.” My brother shot me a deadly glare at the sudden change of my tone and language. For hours, I had been pleading him and just then I lost control.

“Do you realise young lady that sentence you used was very offensive?” 

Whenever he dislike something, sarcasm becomes his weapon- only because he knows how much I hate when he talks like that.

Varun is the most irritating and fabulous brother anyone can ever have. I am lucky at least in this regard. The way he had been supporting and helping me for these last few days was more than a sister can even ask her own brother. Varun is my cousin and we are closer than any blood-siblings. We are everything for each other, or at least, he is for me. I kinda drag him everywhere I go or every problem I face along my course of life. And he had been that constant support of mine. A few years older to me, yet he understands me best and sometimes I wonder what would I have been if he wasn't there for me?

“Then you fucking shouldn’t be ignoring me like this when I am fucking drunk,” I shouted."Now you face the consequences."

 My drinking had increased and even after repeated warnings from literary everyone I still hadn’t changed. I just couldn't. I needed it. The courage and confident alcohol gave me I needed that. Because the person who provided me that was no longer available for me, and this liquor-substitution of him was even better. It didn’t even get irritated hearing my non-stop prattles. Seriously, with the numb brain of mine all the time, I feel a bottle of alcohol is better than any other human. Supportive, patient and consoling...the only harm it does is to my health. Well after all the goods it does for me, a tiny fault can be pardoned I think.

Varun rose up and grabbed his jacket, replying to my loud statement in a very calm tone," If you hadn’t been this stubborn and stupid, You might still have had him.”

That’s another thing about Varun, he knows exactly what to say and when to say. To suppress my outburst he kept his voice down but the words were sharp enough to sting my mind and pierce through my conscious. A few hours of drinking and continuous pleading, he ignored and I stayed calm...but then the alcohol did show its true nature. How much pleasant it seem, at first, the endings are always with sufferings and overthinking. Damn you, Alc!!

My mind went into the flashbacks when all this started, how I ended up being an official alcoholic. One after another- mistakes of mine, confirming my state even more every day. That’s who I am. I'm an incurably and hopelessly romantic fool- who just loves to love. I cling to the last person I love until the very moment until someone else attracts my attention. And I am drawn towards that being- thinking “This is the one.” Finally, my search has been completed. Now I can slow down and settle. And then when it turns out to be incorrect, my search for another healer begins. Maybe it is completely my fault that I always need someone to love and care.. to hold onto and say “He is mine. And I am His.”

And then again there’s the real bitch 'reality', who's the archenemy of fantasy, my drug for survival.

Diagnosed with a complex level of bipolarity, and series of pathetic incidents and dramas for the last twenty years, I had given up on caring about anything. Another reason was that I thought I was in love. I thought ‘third time it’s the charm.’ It took me only a look and a book to fall in love with Him—as much as it may sound ridiculous more it will be if you all know I have only known him for two months. Funny and laughable, I know...and you have my permission to laugh but for me "when it’s right it’s right.”

“You’re coming or did you change your mind?” Varun’s serious tone jerked me off my thoughts, and I realized once again I had entered that zone of overthinking and was stoned.

“ Yea...mmhm yes” I stammered and cleared my throat. “Let’s get over with it.” 
As I was about to grab my purse I stumbled against the sofa. Mentally I tried to gear up my confidence but I knew well enough the meeting's gonna be a....

“Disaster” Varun completed it for me. That’s the level of bonding between us. One look and we can finish each other's sentences.

“You don’t have to do it. You're a strong, smart and independent woman, Anwesha. Just let it go.” Varun placed he hands over my shoulders. I didn’t look into his eyes because I feared he would see through it that what he thought of me was not true. I was not that strong enough to protect myself from crushing, I was not smart enough to not repeat same mistakes over and over, not that independent or that I absolutely feared of being alone. All alone when I would be eighty-year-old still waiting for the death to take over me. Die alone, not being loved or cared for.

I gave out a small laugh at my thought. 
“I swear if you are thinking about that dying all-alone-at-80 crap, I am not coming with you.” Damn, bro!! He knew everything. No doubt he's the best brother, my hero.

On our way to the cafe, Varun and I fought again over the fact that I shouldn’t take him with me everytime I go to meet my boyfriends- ex-boyfriends to be precise. Well, technically Dhruv was not exactly my boyfriend. We both hate labels, and after a month’s acquaintance when we met, we connected instantly. One first look and I was damned.

Along the course of our budding time, I just didn’t realize when I fell for him. If asked why I could give a list but to think wisely I actually didn’t have any unique answer to it. Or maybe just the fact that He makes me feel happy, all the freaking time. His words, his memories, all made me smile and the mundane tensions were always relaxed, heart lightened and a blanket of awesomeness wrapped me up in a cozy comfort. All with him, even when he was not physically present with me, his memories were enough to calm me. 
As they say, it’s common to be poetic in love...but was this actually any love?

It was four in the afternoon when we reached the cafe where Dhruv asked to me to meet. Varun excused himself to go and stand across the street. The only reason I brought him was I wanted his opinion about Dhruv when he'd  first see him. I always turned up for a second opinion to Varun, he had an amazing skill of reading a person’s character. Most of the time it matched, which was why since childhood days it was game to observe and read random people's characters. Though by reading random people’s personality, we never got to know whether we were correct or not. But it was fun anyway. And when it'd come to acquainting people, in the long run, he always won, because my very bad habit of judging a person from just one look was of terrible, maybe I was more shallow than I thought myself to be.

I was sitting outside the cafe and smoking while I waited for Dhruv to turn up. There was a strange intuition that he will not ditch me today. Two more minutes, he didn’t except he wasn’t alone. I saw him crossing the street with Samir, one of his best friends and a girl I never saw before clinging by his side. The way his arm  was wrapped around her waist, nothing needed further explanation.

I knew from the very first time what kind of a person he was, how he saw and enjoyed life, which was one of the many reasons I was attracted to him but I never felt possessive or insecure by seeing new girls every other day in his arms. And I didn’t that tmoment either. Some consider a girl’s possessive over her man to be a trait of romantic involvement. And in the past, I felt it as well, but, with him all was different. Maybe I knew no girl mattered to him that much, he always moved on, or maybe that’s what I wanted to believe. Whatever the way, I was never threatened by his lifestyle, he never promised me anything or kept me longing. He had been frank about himself from the very first moment. He's a man who doesn’t change himself for anyone and a man whom you can never change.

He told me the same once, to never change myself for anyone. If I was being hated by others then I was right on my rack. He cured me of my past, without even knowing and had shown me the right way to live my life. And everything was alright until I foolishly opened my big mouth and had messed everything up. When I ripped out my heart and declared my love for him, he handled the situation quite impressively, and to some extent, I did too. He said "Whenever I do, I dive deep. So I like taking time.' And he was right, one month, a few meetings and regular 'texts' might not be enough to fall in love. But I did, or at least, I thought so.

I sent a quick text to Varun to came and join us. My brows frowned as I felt a bit mad at Dhruv, five minutes that’s all he had given and now he'd showed up with his friends. Seriously? What is he trying to prove anyway?

“Hey,” he said as soon as he came over, the girl still sticking to him. “How long have you been here?”

Odd! That’s his line, what’d happened the old Dhruv I knew. That one looked different, talked differently. I felt my temper rising, for a moment I thought of separately him from the girl just as the two straps pieces of velcro...it never happened to me before, but today a sudden urge to snatch him away from the girl’s touch crossed my mind. I shook off the thought and rose from my seat.

“Hi..five mins top,” I turned to face Samir " Hey Sam.”

Sam gave me a weak smile. Something’s odd. I eyed Dhruv and then to the girl hoping he might introduce us. But when he didn’t I decided to let it go.

“C'mon then. Let sit down and talk. You only gave me five minutes of your precious time.” I put on my best confident look and motioned them to sit while I took my own. With him in front of my eyes, I had to put on the best guard I'd got or else I might have lost my cards again.

Meanwhile, Varun had come but stood by our table rather than joining us. Maybe he wanted to watch Dhruv from afar or didn't want me to introduce Dhruv to him. I understood what he felt towards Dhruv or guessed. First time I told Varun about Dhruv he had warned me to protect my heart, there’s very large possibility to have it broken by Dhruv as if my heart wasn’t scratched before. But Dhruv had fixed it, and for my own stupidity, I had it all bruised.

“We can’t ...we have to be somewhere else.” Dhruv started, I found his voice just same, smooth and stern. Damn!! For a moment I feel like slapping him hard across his face and then the very next moment to pull him down with me, claiming his mouth like he had never been before. 

“I wanted to tell you that...” My phone started ringing interrupting his words. He gave me a curious stare and a known smirk, as one of my favourite songs which he had once sung for me played along. As if it wasn’t awkward enough already that the destiny again poked her nose to pull a stunt like that. As the ambience filled with his beautiful notes, it took everything in me to take off my eyes from his beautiful face and receive the call.

“Excuse me.” I grabbed my phone up from the table and hit the 'accept' button.

“Hello, this is Anwesha...”

And just when the word’s from the other side of the phone hit my ears, the phone dropped. Varun, who was standing right next to the place where I was sitting, came round and had me in his arms.

“Hey, what happened? Who was it?” His voice all husky and worried. I looked up at him and then at Dhruv. Everything happened so quickly that Dhruv looked perplexed from the sudden intervention of Varun I guess. For the first time, I saw a little tinge of concern on Dhruv's face. Only that time It didn’t matter. I felt a different level of confident and suddenly everything around me was wonderful, exactly like how I feel whenever I fall for someone. And just like that once again I was in love, but that time, it wasn’t just me, 'soon-to-be' we both need each other.

I slowly turned to face Varun with a smile carved on my face. “ Congratulation, I am finally giving up on drinking and smoking. I am going to be a mom.” The words came out of my lips felt simply wonderful and perfect.